A Christmas Appeal

The Christmas season in truly under way

 But for some it’s surviving just another day

No family around to feel loved and proud

Just existing as you are the only one in the crowd

 

A heartbreaking story about a child with no toy

For them there will be no Christmas joy

No talk of spotting Santa throughout the night

Instead huddling in the corner around a dim candle light

 

The old lady at the checkout with a minute turkey crown

Searching in her purse as she is still one pound down

Quietly whispering she’ll have to put it back

Slowly shuffling away with no food in her sack

 

The parents struggling under the Christmas stress

No presents bought and no tree to dress

A unethical loan company there only way out

Unable to cope they just scream and shout

 

I urge every one of us to think of others and share

And show a generation that we really do care

Set an extra place for that special Christmas meal

Or donate some food for this heartfelt appeal

Pressure

Racing against the beating clock

Constantly hearing tick tock tick tock

Fighting to have a work life balance

Unable to cheat because of your conscience

 

Spiralling workload and the job wants more

Unknowingly you have become a social bore

Making sure the t is crossed and the I is dotted

The day becoming increasingly potted

 

Unable to sleep as work on your mind

The job unforgiving and so unkind

Your memory in question as you begin to have doubt

Trapped in a tunnel with no way out

 

Dark nights merge with dark mornings

Headaches begin without the usual warnings

You dream of sleep to make you feel a bit fresher

How long can you live with this kind of pressure?

Delaying the Happiness

You have your rules that you will not break

But my liking of you is truly not fake

Apparently previously you’ve been hurt in the past

But this thing called happiness could definitely last

 

Unknown if the two of us together would be good

But I’d take the bet if I thought you would

The more I get to know you the more of you I like

But you delaying this makes my heart go on strike

 

Just one chance is all that I really ask

But getting you out is proving a difficult task

Your barriers up that I want to break through

So now I’ll ask what do I need to do

 

Who knows if this will ever work out?

Our friendship going around a roundabout

We need to sort out this relationship mess

As I think you’re just delaying your happiness?

Goodbye Mrs Jamison

I arrived on the platform with the other evacuees

With a bag in my hand and two unwashed knees

I held my young sister’s hand as we came as a pair

Not wanting to let go to show that I care

 

People arrived taking other children without a fuss

We stood there alone, scared, just the two of us

A lady came up to us to say all the places were taken

The emotions inside were finally awaken

 

A single tear slowly slaloming from my watery eye

My sister turned “Brother, please don’t cry”

The lady hugged me and said “We’ll sort something out”

We turned suddenly as we heard an almighty shout

 

Mrs Jamison quickly came over and apologised for being late

She was short with dark hair and didn’t carry much weight

We signed the forms and she took us both by the hand

We were excited to be travelling across new untouched land

 

We stopped at a house with a garden in the front and back

And greeted by an older boy who Mrs Jamison called Jack

It was her youngest son, who worked tirelessly on the farm

He asked us excitedly if we would like to play in the barn

 

Mrs Jamison undoubtedly became our forever Welsh mother

And her son, Jack, like a new older brother

News from back home would arrive once a week

Bombing raids and black outs made is sound rather bleak

 

Then one day we were told the war was finally over

No more German planes would fly over the White Cliffs of Dover

Peace at last and we could go back home to the city

Our goodbye to Jack and Mrs Jamison seemed so very bitty

 

We kept in touch by letter throughout the many years

Until one day a letter would bring on the heart breaking tears

Mrs Jamison, god bless her, had sadly passed silently away

I will always be thankfully she came on that evacuation day

 

And now I’m eighty five I can still remember her name

She never wanted thanks or even crave fame

When my mother passed away she was the first to be in touch

Even now I want to tell her that I loved her so much

Why can’t you see what I see?

I see someone with a beautiful smiling face

You see someone at the back of the beauty race

I see someone who is quietly strong

You see someone that is always wrong

 

I see someone who is pure and true

You see someone who lies to a few

I see someone who works hard to achieve

You see someone who won’t try and believe

 

I see someone whose dream is still alive

You see someone who has lost their drive

I see someone that inspires their friend

You see someone never gets to the end

 

I see a person who fights for what’s right

You see someone who has fought their last fight

I see someone who has friends all around

You see someone who is lost on the ground

 

I see someone who has energy and passion

You see someone who has gone out of fashion

I see someone who has warmth and affection

You see someone who has a different reflection

Goodnight My Child

Goodnight my child

We’ve had good times today

Goodnight my child

We’ve laughed and cried in play

 

Goodnight my child

It’s time for you to rest

Goodnight my child

May your dreams be full of zest

 

Good night my child

The day is coming to close

Goodnight my child

It’s time for your sleeping pose

 

Goodnight my child

The sun has finally set

Goodnight my child

This day I’ll never forget

 

Good night my child

These tears will never dry

Goodnight my child

It’s time to say goodbye

Waiting for the call

You’ve checked your phone and still no call

Could this disappointment be my biggest fall?

She said she’d be in touch but that was days ago

Obviously her answer was simply a no

 

This time I thought I’d read the signs rights

In the darkness she stood there shinning so bright

We flirted a little and I sensed a connection

My love life about to get a powerful injection

 

No message sent no message received

This the truth I was about to concede

Heard through a friend she just wanted some fun

And here is me thinking that she could be the one

 

So much in common but have separate interest

Hard to know what to do without being a pest

Don’t want to play anymore silly dating games

Finding more information are now my aims

 

Like a roulette ball unknown which number it lands

This conundrum is way out of my lonely hands

A glancing look at the phone besides me

Trying to imagine the message I don’t see

Emotional Blackmail

So it’s come to this after years of being together

You constantly replying with ‘Yeah, What ever’

I thought we could talk our relationship through

But we seem unable so what can I do?

 

Yes we have kids and they mean the world to me

But I’ve fell out of love with you, can’t you see

Our lives are different and we’ve drifted apart

Please don’t use the kids to bleed my heart

 

We’ve lived separate lives and have done for a while

You know our marriage is over but you’re still in denial

I’ve tried to leave before but what about the children

It’s all about them but one day I will run

 

The atmosphere is awful and the children will know

Can’t you see it’s the best if I simple just leave and go?

I’ll support you and the children with paying the bill

I’ll even make sure you and them are in my will

 

Our relationship a front for your family and friends

It’s only a matter of time before this relationship ends

Please let me go so my life and heart can set sail

And please don’t use my kids as emotional blackmail

The Shopping Trip

It starts in the car park trying to find a space

Two cars competing in the car park race

One space by the shop, the other across the way

Free for up to an hour then you’ll have to pay

 

A pound for the trolley but what size to get

Opt for the big one, as you’ve got food for the pet

You have a system in place walking up and down each aisle

With all the walking you’ve probably gone a mile

 

The old lady in front who suddenly stops still

Searching her pockets for her emergency pill

The kids whizzing past banging into each other

Looking around can’t seem to find their mother

 

The Christmas aisle already but it’s only just November

Is Christmas getting earlier or is it still in December?

The offers on chocolates are definitely not done

So I decide to buy a couple instead of only one

 

The young couple in love walking slowly hand in hand

Stopping at the CD collection to view their favourite band

Walking past the bakery and the odour of baking bread

Buying outdated loaves for the ducks that want to be fed

 

The busiest aisle where they sell the alcoholic beverage

Four bottles of wine a week is apparently he average

The middle aged couple planning for a party at the weekend

By the looks of their trolley they may need a liver to lend

 

Finally at the checkout but which want to go too

Self service, ten items or less or stand in the queue

My trolley full of crap and I forgot what I came for

Looks like I’ll be making another trip through this door

 

The girl on the checkout scanning my items quite rough

She best not squeeze my bread, as enough is enough

I refuse a bag for life as my other one lasted a fortnight

It seemed to snap, even though the items were very light

 

The big shop over for another week at last

And I’ve seemed to have met the supermarket cast

The bonus points tallied and the bags safely in the car

Three bruises from people and the trolley gave me a scar

The Mentor

The Mentor

By Darren Partington

 

A situation Comedy based in a Primary School

 

6 Episodes

Episode One – The New Teacher

Episode Two – Students

Episode Three – The Date

Episode Four – Night Out

Episode Five – School Trip

Episode Six – Sports Day

 

Characters

Fletch O’Connell - Early 20’s NQT at local Primary school…looking to move out of his parents house…thinks he is great at everything but in reality isn’t…keeps messing things up…tries to chat ladies up with cheap lines…

Grant Whiskey- Mid 30’s…been teaching about 10 years in same primary school as Fletch…travelled all over the world…always has a story…smooth operator…lives alone but looking for a lodger…likes to wind Fletch up with practical jokes…

Mrs Jones – 50’s…Office worker / Secretary…battle axe…tries to run the school…nice to everyone in front of them…moans about job and workload…flirts with men..sex starved by husband

Ms Lamont – Head Teacher…40’s…hopeless at making decisions…no people skills…dizzy…forgetful…

Mr Woods – Site Manager…lazy but thinks he does a lot…battles with office staff about work…has place to hide so no one can find him…

Mrs Crawler – Parent Helper…thinks she is important…tries to be friends with head…knows it all and has done it all…

Miss Lauren Grace – Student that comes into the school who dates Fletch and begins a relationship

 

Secondary Characters

Teachers – Miss O’Brien (Young gorgeous), Mrs Martin (Old Lady)

Students – Tom Jones, Cheryl Cole, Victoria Wood, Jessica Jay

Pupils

Cleaners

 

 

Episode One:

 

The New Teacher

 

Story

Episode One – The New Teacher

It’s a new term at school and Grant arrives as early as normal and is just getting a drink in the staff room when his name is called out over the loud speaker system.  He heads down to the head teacher’s office and is greeted with the usual, painful face of the head teacher.  She informs him that part of his role this year is to mentor a student.  He agrees thinking that it is a way to meet new girls.  The head teacher informs him that he will be mentoring a man, for a whole year, who is new to the school.  Grant looks a little disappointed.  Ms Lamont, the head teacher, announces that Mr O’Connell, Fletch, will be arriving in school at 8:15am to meet Grant and talk through his new class.  Grant waits in the office were Mrs Jones is already moaning about how many staff are off already and it’s only the first day of school.  She comes up with a couple of reasons why some of the staff are absent; House in France, delay at airport and birthday (certain staff stay off when it is their birthday).  Grant is in the office when a young twenty something arrives at the office window asking for Mr Whiskey (Grant).  Mrs Jones is her usual smiling self to any young man that approaches the desk and begins to flirt with Fletch, who looks very uncomfortable.  Grant rescues him and they both begin to walk to Grant’s classroom.  They are both teaching in year four next to each other, with a sliding door in between their rooms.  Fletch begins to tell Grant a bit of background about himself.  He still lives with his parents in a middle class area.  He studied at a local university and has never lived away from home.  He has just come out of a relationship with a girl from university who moved back home.  He is not looking for a relationship, as he wants to concentrate on his first year of teaching.  Grant begins to tell him about his life so far.  He has worked in the school for seven years, spent a bit of time living abroad in USA.  He has been to a few places over the world and has a few stories to tell and looks for opportunities to tell them.  They are interrupted by the head teacher, who is pleased that they are getting on.  She tells them that they need to let their classes in and that there will be a staff meeting at the end of the day.  The children come in and the morning goes fast.  The children are introduced to their new teacher, Mr O’Connell.  The parents like him and one or two of the mums have an instant lust for the new teacher.  Grant laughs it up and begins to talk to the two mums, explaining that Mr O’Connell is available but very shy and they might have to coax him out of his shell.  Lunch time arrives and Grant and Fletch head up to the staff room for lunch.  Fletch is introduced to some of the staff and immediately Grant begins to play a game called ‘Get to know Fletch’…The staff ask Fletch a range of questions and he has to answer them.  Lunch time finishes with Fletch promising he will get Grant back for the embarrassment at lunch.  At the end of the day Grant and Fletch are seeing their children out of the classrooms, when the two mums who like Fletch approach him and begin to flirt.  Fletch immediately goes red and then begins to tell the mums that Grant finds them both attractive and that he would like to take one of them out for a drink.  They walk over to Grant and put their phone number in his top pocket and smile.  Fletch laughs, knowing he has got his own back on Grant.  They both head for the staff meeting.  Ms Lamont is at the front and talks about the staff meeting being all about well being.  During the staff meeting they look at different well being activities and finish off by giving each other massages!  Fletch is stuck with the oldest teacher, while Grant has managed to massage the young beautiful teacher.  They leave the meeting and Fletch goes off to look at the house / apartment he is trying to rent.  Grant heads home.

 

Scene Breakdown

Scene One - It’s a new term at school and Grant arrives as early as normal and is just getting a drink in the staff room when his name is called out over the loud speaker system.  He heads down to the head teacher’s office and is greeted with the usual, painful face of the head teacher.  She informs him that part of his role this year is to mentor a NQT.  He agrees thinking that it is a way to meet new girls.  The head teacher informs him that he will be mentoring a man, for a whole year, which is new to the school.  Grant looks a little disappointed.  Ms Lamont, the head teacher, announces that Mr O’Connell, Fletch, will be arriving in school at 8:15am to meet Grant and talk through his new class

 

Scene Two - Grant waits in the office were Mrs Jones is already moaning about how many staff are off already and it’s only the first day of school.  She comes up with a couple of reasons why some of the staff are absent; House in France, delay at airport and birthday (certain staff stay off when it is their birthday).  Grant is in the office when a young twenty something arrives at the office window asking for Mr Whiskey (Grant).  Mrs Jones is her usual smiling self to any young man that approaches the desk and begins to flirt with Fletch, who looks very uncomfortable.  Grant rescues him and they both begin to walk to Grant’s classroom. 

 

Scene Three - They are both teaching in year four next to each other, with a sliding door in between their rooms.  Fletch begins to tell Grant a bit of background about himself.  He still lives with his parents in a middle class area.  He studied at a local university and has never lived away from home.  He has just come out of a relationship with a girl from university who moved back home.  He is not looking for a relationship, as he wants to concentrate on his first year of teaching.  Grant begins to tell him about his life so far.  He has worked in the school for seven years, spent a bit of time living abroad in USA.  He has been to a few places over the world and has a few stories to tell and looks for opportunities to tell them.  They are interrupted by the head teacher, who is pleased that they are getting on.  She tells them that they need to let their classes in and that there will be a staff meeting at the end of the day. 

 

Scene Four - The children come in and the morning goes fast.  The children are introduced to their new teacher, Mr O’Connell.  The parents like him and one or two of the mums have an instant lust for the new teacher.  Grant laughs it up and begins to talk to the two mums, explaining that Mr O’Connell is available but very shy and they might have to coax him out of his shell.

 

Scene Five - Lunch time arrives and Grant and Fletch head up to the staff room for lunch.  Fletch is introduced to some of the staff and immediately Grant begins to play a game called ‘Get to know Fletch’…The staff ask Fletch a range of questions and he has to answer them.  Lunch time finishes with Fletch promising he will get Grant back for the embarrassment at lunch.

 

Scene Six - At the end of the day Grant and Fletch are seeing their children out of the classrooms, when the two mums who like Fletch approach him and begin to flirt.  Fletch immediately goes red and then begins to tell the mums that Grant finds them both attractive and that he would like to take one of them out for a drink.  They walk over to Grant and put their phone number in his top pocket and smile.  Fletch laughs, knowing he has got his own back on Grant.  They both head for the staff meeting. 

 

Scene Seven - Ms Lamont is at the front and talks about the staff meeting being all about well being.  During the staff meeting they look at different well being activities and finish off by giving each other massages!  Fletch is stuck with the oldest teacher, while Grant has managed to massage the young beautiful teacher.

 

Scene Eight - They leave the meeting and Fletch goes off to look at the house / apartment he is trying to rent.  Grant heads home.

 

Scene One

 

Grant               -           Morning Mrs Jones...good weekend?

Mrs Jones        -           Morning love…had a terrible weekend…his backs gone again which meant I                                 didn’t get any…at this rate I might have to take a trip down to Ann                                                Summers

Grant               -           Your husband seems to have a bad back a lot…should get it checked out

Mrs Jones        -           I know but it comes and goes…he’s ok when he’s watching the football, fixing                             the car and decorating but the minute I want a bit of sex it seems to go again

Grant               -           Strange that isn’t it

Mrs Jones        -           That’s what I said…so at the moment I’m satisfying myself

Grant               -           What do you mean?

Mrs Jones        -           I’ve got a rabbit

Grant               -           How will that help…Oh I don’t even want to know

Mrs Jones        -           Not a pet rabbit…a rabbit from a special kind of shop

Grant               -           Oh I see…you mean a rampant rabbit from a sex shop

Mrs Jones        -           Yeah…Oh it’s great…especially on full charge

Grant               -           What are you charging it with?

Mrs Jones        -           A car battery

Grant               -           Don’t be phoning the AA to come and help you out

Mrs Jones        -           Might be a good idea…they say they’ll send a man round within 15 mins

Grant               -           Right well I’ll see you later

Mrs Jones        -           Ok love

 

(Grant walks past office to be met by Head Teacher Ms Lamont)             

 

Ms Lamont      -           Mr Whisky is that you?

Grant               -           Yes Ms Lamont it’s me

Ms Lamont      -           Oh good can you come in here?

Grant               -           Of course Ms Lamont…How can I help you?

Ms Lamont      -           Do you remember that half day course I sent you on?

Grant               -           Which one?  The one about APP or mentoring

Ms Lamont      -           APP? 

Grant               -           Yes APP

Ms Lamont      -           Why did I send you on a course about APP?

Grant               -           I don’t know…I think you said something about a TLR

Ms Lamont      -           TLR? 

Grant               -           Teaching and Learning Responsibility

Ms Lamont      -           Oh right…What about PPA?

Grant               -           PPA?  Don’t you mean APP?

Ms Lamont      -           What’s APP?

Grant               -           Assessing Pupil Progress

Ms Lamont      -           What’s PPA?

Grant               -           Preparation, Planning and Assessment

                                    Shouldn’t you know what all these acronyms are?

Ms Lamont      -           Yes and shouldn’t you be in your class

Grant               -           But you called me in here

Ms Lamont      -           What for?

Grant               -           IDK

Ms Lamont      -           What’s IDK?

Grant               -           I don’t know

Ms Lamont      -           Well why say it then

Grant               -           Say what?

Ms Lamont      -           IDK

Grant               -           I don’t know

Ms Lamont      -           Oh yes I remember why I called you in…I’ve got a job for you to do with                                      mentoring an NQT teacher new to our school

Grant               -           Brilliant…who is she?

Ms Lamont      -           She…is a he

Grant               -           Another man in the school

Ms Lamont      -           Yes another man in the school

Grant               -           But wouldn’t we be better with a nice lady

Ms Lamont      -           This isn’t a dating agency Mr Whisky…you’re here to teach not chat up women

Grant               -           But I can do both

Ms Lamont      -           One would be nice...

Grant               -           Will I get a girl student to compensate for mentoring a man all year?

Ms Lamont      -           Mr Whisky I’m not going to make a deal with you

Grant               -           Oh go on

Ms Lamont      -           I’m not making any promises

Grant               -           That’s do for me…by the way what’s this guys name?

Ms Lamont      -           Mr O’Connell

Grant               -           Great

Ms Lamont      -           Right he should be at the office at 8:15am…I expect you to            meet him and take                               him to his class next to yours…I’ll see you both at the end of the day in the                                   staff meeting

Grant               -           Right then I best get a move on

 

(Grant leaves the office and head to classroom to put bag etc away)

 

Scene Two

(Phone Rings)

Mrs Jones        -           (Posh voice) Hello, Aston Primary School, How can I help you?

                                    (Normal voice) what again?  What’s up with you this time?  That’s the fourth                                 death in the family this term…three have been you Nan!

                                    So you won’t be coming in…when are you back?…tomorrow? We’ll look                          forward to that!

(Mrs Jones writes down teacher’s name on absent board and reason)

(Enter Mr Whisky)

Grant               -           Everything ok Mrs Jones?

Mrs Jones        -           She’s off again

Grant               -           Who?

Mrs Jones        -           Mrs Paddle

Grant               -           Again…does she think its flexi time? What is her excuse this time?

Mrs Jones        -           Another death in the family

Grant               -           How many is that this term?

Mrs Jones        -           Four…

Grant               -           Four! What does her husband do for a living?

Mrs Jones        -           Funeral Director!

 

(Phone Rings)

Mrs Jones        -           (Posh voice) Good Morning, Villa Primary School…How can I help you?

                                    (Normal Voice) Well what’s up with you?  Oh I see…and what has the doctor                               said?   Oh I see…And you can’t sit down for how long?  Oh I see…What about                           if we get a cushion?  Oh I see…well see you next week…

 

(Mrs Jones walks to the absent board to put up next teacher)

Grant               -           Who was that?

Mrs Jones        -           Miss Boyle

Grant               -           What’s up with her?

Mrs Jones        -           I can’t really say…confidentiality and all that

Grant               -           But you told me about Mrs Paddle

Mrs Jones        -           I don’t like Mrs Paddle

Grant               -           Fair enough

 

(Mr Fletch O’Connell arrives at the desk)

 

Mrs Jones        -           (Flirting) Hi, can I help you?

Fletch              -           I hope you can

Mrs Jones        -           I hope I can

Fletch              -           I’m the new teacher and I’ve been advised to call in to the office before I go to                             my class

Mrs Jones        -           You were advised right…

Fletch              -           So what do I need to do?

Mrs Jones        -           Wait there a minute

 

(Mrs Jones head off to get a camera)

Mrs Jones        -           Right just look straight into the camera….great and now to the side…wonderful                           and now face the other way…(takes shot of bum)…perfect!

Fletch              -           Are you sure this is right?  Why take so many?

Mrs Jones        -           Face shot for your i.d. card…side shot for the wall and the bum shot for me!!!

Fletch              -           Oh right…er…er…I just need to see a Mr Whisky

Mrs Jones        -           You’re in luck…he’s in the photocopier room…I’ll just get him…

Grant               -           Hi mate…you must be Mr O’Connell

Fletch              -           Yeah…good to meet you…is she always like that?

Grant               -           Only with the men…

Fletch              -           Don’t people complain?

Grant               -           Only if you don’t want things getting done for you…

Fletch              -           What do you mean?

Grant               -           If you complain…no photocopying…no messages taken…no letters written…If                            you don’t complain all gets done without any fuss!!!

Fletch              -           Really…you let her flirt with you and things get done…

Grant               -           Welcome to teaching!

Fletch              -           So where is my classroom?

Grant               -           Right next to mine…you’ll be in the same year as me

Fletch              -           Great!

(Both walk off towards classrooms)

 

 

Scene Three

(Enter Grant and Fletch)

Grant               -           So this is your classroom…this door slides across so we can have one big                                        classroom and do some team teaching…(Shows doors opening) Door slides                                   open…one classroom…door slides shut…two classroom…am I going to fast…

Fletch              -           No…I think I’ve got it… (Sarcastically) door open two classrooms…door                                      closed one classroom…

Grant               -           You taking the piss

Fletch              -           I think I can work the door

Grant               -           Here you go then…prove it smart arse!!!

(Fletch has a go at the sliding door and it doesn’t work)

Grant               -           See much harder than it looks

Fletch              -           Ok...I’ll get it sorted…it’s just a bit stiff

Grant               -           What about the door?

Fletch              -           I meant the door

Grant               -           Just checking!!

Fletch              -           How long have you been here then?

Grant               -           About 7 years now…worked in anther school for two years then headed off to                              coach soccer…sorry football in USA for a couple of months then ended up                                    doing supply here…stayed ever since...what about you?

Fletch              -           Straight from University up the road…did a bit of supply while trying to get a                               job…this will be my first full year of teaching…

Grant               -           Great...where you living?

Fletch              -           Living with my mum and dad but looking at moving out…was meant to be                                    getting a place with my girlfriend but didn’t happen

Grant               -           Why what happened?  Did she realise you weren’t good enough…was it your                                hair…tight trousers or general sarcasm that did it?

Fletch              -           None of them

Grant               -           I’m surprised?

Fletch              -           We decided to have a bit of space for a while…she wanted more space than me

Grant               -           How much space?

Fletch              -           150 miles…she moved back to Birmingham!

Grant               -           That’s a lot of space…

Fletch              -           What about you?  Do you live local?  Wife and Kids?

Grant               -           Live about 25 minutes away…not too far..no don’t have a wife…

Fletch              -           Oh right you are one of them

Grant               -           One of what?

Fletch              -           It’s alright…I don’t care..I won’t say anything…

Grant               -           There’s nothing to say…I just haven’t met the right person

Fletch              -           Noticed you said person and not girl…interesting!

Grant               -           I’m not gay!

Fletch              -           Have any kids?

Grant               -           No…

Fletch              -           Interesting…you’re 36…no wife and no kids…presume you live alone…and                                 you say you’re not gay…

Grant               -           I’m not gay…

Fletch              -           Course you’re not…one simple rule

Grant               -           What’s that?

Fletch              -           Favourite film?

Grant               -           Favourite film…what’s that got to do with it?

Fetch               -           Mine is Goodfellars…heterosexual!

Grant               -           That’s ridiculus…You can’t judge a person by their favourite film

Fetch               -           What’s yours then?

Grant               -           This is stupid…

Fletch              -           Just tell me

Grant               -           I’m off…

Fletch              -           Without telling me

(As Grant leaves Ms Lamont Enters)

Ms Lamont      -           Glad you are both here saves me telling you separately…there is a staff meeting                             tonight in the staffroom…starts at 3:45 and will last an hour…

Grant               -           What is it on?

Ms Lamont      -           Uniforms

Grant               -           For who?

Ms Lamont      -           The children and staff!

Grant               -           Staff…why do we need a uniform?

Ms Lamont      -           I visited another school last July and they all looked smart in uniform so I                                      would like to introduce one here…all comments would be welcome in the staff                             meeting…see you later

(Ms Lamont leaves)

Fletch              -           A uniform...

Grant               -           Just another one of her ‘wonderful’ ideas…It will never work and she’ll forget                              it in about a month!

Fletch              -           She seems nice…she did say all comments would be welcome…

Grant               -           Lesson one Fetch…when Ms Lamont says ‘all comments would be welcome’                                she really means…all comments welcome if you agree with me…

Fletch              -           Didn’t realise

Grant               -           They don’t teach you that at University…stick with me and I’ll make sure you                               learn about teaching!

Fletch              -           Cheers Grant…

Grant               -           I’ll see you later

Fletch              -           Yeah catch you later…

(Grant begins to leave)

Fletch              -           Just before you go Grant…you didn’t answer the question

Grant               -           What question?

Fletch              -           To see if you’re gay or not

Grant               -           I’m not answering it…

Fletch              -           If you’ve nothing to hide just tell me…

(Grant walks out door and then pops head around corner)

Grant               -           Hairspray!

Fletch              -           (Laughing) Brilliant!

Scene Four

(Standing outside their classrooms welcoming the children in to class)

 

Grant               -           Morning children…Morning Mrs Hughes…how’s your mum?

Mrs Hughes     -           She’s getting better

Grant               -           Glad to hear it…morning Mr Almond…did you play at the weekend?

Mr Almond     -           No…game got called off because the other team couldn’t get enough players

Grant               -           Shame…

Fletch              -           How do you know all the parents?

Grant               -           I don’t know all of them...most but not all

Fletch              -           You seem to know a lot about their personal lives

Grant               -           It is part of the job to get to know your parents…trust me I you get on with your                           parents and show interest in them you won’t have any issues with their                                           children…

Fletch              -           Really

Grant               -           Watch and learn son…watch and learn

Fletch              -           I’m watching Grant…I’m watching

Grant               -           Do you see her over there?

Fletch              -           Which one?

Grant               -           The one that looks like she is on a night out

Fletch              -           Yeah…she looks alright

Grant               -           Looks are great…husband a muscle head drug dealer…she loves a good                                         flirt…be careful with her…keep her on your side…watch this

                                    Morning Mrs Coleman…

Mrs Coleman   -           Morning Mr Whisky

Grant               -           How are we this fine morning?

Mrs Coleman   -           Great Mr Whisky…and you?

Grant               -           Can’t complain…you just come in from a night out…

Mrs Coleman   -           Cheeky…why are you saying that?

Grant               -           Usually we only see mums in pyjamas…

Mrs Coleman   -           I’ll never wear pyjamas to come to school

Grant               -           Shame…bet you look great in yours! Ha ha

Mrs Coleman   -           Mr Whisky you’re terrible…I’m off

Grant               -           See you later Mrs Coleman

Fletch              -           How do you get away with it?

Grant               -           It’s about knowing your parents…her kid is a little shit for everyone else here                                but great for me because I chat to his mum…I had a problem with him                                           once…spoke to mum…never again!!!

Fletch              -           That’s unreal…

Grant               -           They don’t teach you that at university...oh dear look out

Fletch              -           What?

Grant               -           Don’t make eye contact with these two…they’ll come over and be here for                                    hours

Fetch               -           Which two?

Grant               -           Too late…they’re on there way

                                    Morning ladies

Paula               -           Morning Mr Whisky

Claire               -           Morning Mr Whisky…and who do we have here?

Fletch              -           I’m Mr O’Connell…the new year four teacher

Claire               -           Oh you’ve got my daughter in your class

Fletch              -           Oh great…what’s her name?

Claire               -           Mercedes…

Paula               -           I bet all the girls will love you…

Fletch              -           Oh why?

Paula               -           Well you are young…good looking and wear tight pants!

Claire               -           Paula you can’t say that…he’s a teacher

Paula               -           Oh behave Claire…I’m only messing!! (Mimes I’m not – Fletch looks scared)

Fletch              -           Right then best get back inside to the class…

(Fletch leaves to go back to class)

Claire               -           Mr Whisky he’s a fitty…

Paula               -           Is he single?

Grant               -           Do you know what ladies I think he is…and he was just saying how he’d like to                            meet some nice ladies…you two certainly fit the bill…

Paula               -           I’m going home to get a bath and do my hair

Claire               -           I’m going too…can’t wait for the end of school

Grant               -           Now ladies be very careful with him…he’s quite shy and may need you to coax                             him out of his shell…

Paula               -           I’ll coax him out alright…I’m booking 6 minutes at Tanarama

Claire               -           They’ve got a special on at Tantastic…£1 for four minutes…let’s go!

(Miss Ford and Miss Benz leave quickly)

Mr Whisky      -           Bye Miss Ford…Bye Miss Benz

                                    Brilliant…nice little wind up for good old Fletch!!!

 

(Grant leaves to go back to class)

 

 

 

 

 

Scene Five

Grant               -           You ready to go for lunch?

Fletch              -           Yeah just wait there I’ll get my lunch box

Grant               -           Your lunch box

Fletch              -           Yeah…my mum made it for me this morning

Grant               -           I’ve got to see this

 

(Fletch gets out an old muppets lunch box…with accompanying flask)

Grant               -           What’s that?

Fletch              -           It’s my lunch box

Grant               -           I can see that…when was the last time you used it?

Fletch              -           When I was in primary school

Grant               -           I can’t wait to see you in the staff room with that lunch box

 

(Grant walks off first followed by Fletch who looks confused – they see the site manager)

 

Grant               -           Mr Woods…come and look at this

Fletch              -           What are you doing?

Grant               -           Look at his lunch box

Mr Woods       -           Oh that’s brilliant…where did you get that…my grandson would love one like                              that…he is a huge muppets fan

Fletch              -           I got it in woolworths…

Grant               -           When?

Fletch              -           Well it as my cousins before I got it…it was passed down the family

Grant               -           When did he get it?

Fletch              -           1987…

Mr Woods       -           Do they still make them?  Do you mind if I look inside?

Fletch              -           No go on

Mr Woods       -           Wow…I can’t believe it has an accompanying flask!!!!

Fletch              -           Well that was the fashion back in those days…none of you drink bottles back                                then apparently…I mean I wouldn’t know…we need someone a bit older to tell                            us…Grant what was it like?

Grant               -           Hey…less of your old!!!

Fletch              -           What was it like to drink out of the flask?

Grant               -           Put it this way I thought Orange juice tasted plastic until we got glasses!

Mr Woods       -           Can I take a picture of it?  I’m going to find one on ebay

Fletch              -           Yeah of course

(Fletch holds up lunch box and Mr Woods uses his phone to take picture – He takes quite a few!!!)

Grant               -           Are we going for lunch or not!!!!

(They both walk to the staff room)

(Enter full staff room and only two seats left on the small tall table)

Grant               -           Morning everyone…or should I say afternoon…

(Staff mumble good morning back)

Fletch              -           Where are we sitting Grant?

Grant               -           We’ll take the two chairs over there

(They both sit down and Fletch put his lunch box on the table)

Teacher 1         -           What’s that?

Grant               -           His mum packed his lunch this morning and put it in his favourite lunch box

Teacher 1         -           That’s nice…

Fletch              -           It’s not my favourite one

Grant               -           Is it not…well what is?

Fletch              -           I don’t want to say

Grant               -           Why not?

Fletch              -           Because what ever I say you’ll turn it round and make a joke

Grant               -           I won’t

(Grant whispers to teacher next to him who asks a question)

Teacher 2         -           So what is your favourite lunch box?

Fletch              -           Have you told him to ask?

Grant               -           What are you on about…I’m just eating my lunch

Fletch              -           Well if you must know my favourite lunch box is The Fresh Prince of Be Air!

Grant               -           Great show!

Fletch              -           Great song…great cast…

Teacher 1         -           So Fletch tell us a bit about yourself…

Fletch              -           (Stands up and performs the following rap in the style of Fresh Prince of Bel                                 Air)

                                    New Teacher from Maghull

Now this is a story all about how

My life got flipped turned upside down

And I’d like to take a minute while your stomachs are full

I’ll tell you how I became the new teacher from Maghull

 

In Edge Hill University I worked hard

Kept my head down and got my teaching card

Assignments, course work, and teaching practice

Three years down and the forth the fastest

Graduate in June and went on Supply

This job came up so I gave it a try

I got the job in the middle of July

Put the phone down so happy I could cry

 

I bought a new suit not forgetting a new shirt

I’ll blow you a kiss as I begin to flirt

This guy over here is yesterday’s news (Stands and points by Grant)

They’re all looking at me so guess what you lose

 

I’ll have an opinion and I’ll try to be nice

Sometimes you’ll have to tell me more than twice

I’ll need your support and that’s no bull

For this is the guy from far end of Maghull

 

(As finished rap all high five Fletch around staff room)

Grant               -           Fair play Fletch…welcome to the school!!!!

Scene Six

(End of the school day and Grant and Fletch are seeing the children out for home time)

 

Grant               -           Children wait here until you can see who ever is picking you up

Fletch              -           Children make sure you have you reading books and then stand behind your                                  chairs waiting for you name to be called

Grant               -           John…off you go here is your nan

Fletch              -           Mary…off you go here is your mum

Grant               -           Thomas…off you go here is your mum

Fletch              -           Colin…off you go here is your uncle

Grant               -           Hey Fletch here come the lovely mums you met this morning…

Fletch              -           You’re having a laugh…

Grant               -           Looks like they’ve been to Tanarama or Tantastic…

Fletch              -           They were both white this morning…they look like Beyonce!

Grant               -           Watch this

Fetch               -           Don’t shout them over

Grant               -           Hey ladies…look a bit different fro this morning

(Both mums walk across the playground – Cat walk)

Mum 1             -           Do you think so Mr Whisky?

Mum 2             -           We haven’t really done that much

Grant               -           Mr O’Connell was just saying that you both looked like Beyonce

Fletch              -           What?

Mum 1             -           Did he now…well if you like it you should put a ring on it!!

(Both girls laugh)

Grant               -           Ladies I’ll leave you a minute with Mr O’Connell while I check the classroom

(Grant leaves)

Mum 2             -           So now it’s just the three of us…I bet that’s your favourite number!!

Fletch              -           Look ladies to be honest I shouldn’t really say this but it’s Mr Whisky who                                    finds you both attractive and he is just saying me so you come over

Mum 1             -           Is it now

Mum 2             -           That would explain why he is always calling us over

Fletch              -           Ladies I’m telling you…It’s all he talks about in the staff room…when he                                      comes back why don’t you slip him you numbers…

Mum 1             -           Great idea…have you got a piece of paper and a pen

Fletch              -           Just so happens I do

Mum 1             -           What number are you putting down Kerry?

Mum 2             -           I’m putting my mobile…you know the one that’s pay as you go

Fletch              -           Now I’ll call him back…Mr Whisky the ladies are heading off now but want to                             say bye

(Grant comes back out)

Grant               -           So have you three had a nice little chat…

Mum 1             -           Oh yes we had a lovely chat

Mum 2             -           And Mr O’Connell told us a few things

Grant               -           Did he now…

Fletch              -           Yes I did actually…the ladies and I have a good understanding now

Grant               -           Oh I am pleased

Mum 1             -           We’re pleased you are pleased Mr Whisky

(Puts phone number in Grant’s top pocket)

Mum 2             -           Yeah we’re always happy when you are pleased

(Puts phone number in Grant’s top pocket)

(Grant looks confused as the two ladies walk off)

Grant               -           What was all that about?

Fletch              -           Looks like you have two admirers Grant….ha ha

(Fletch walks back into class laughing followed y Grant who is shaking his head)

 

Scene Seven

(Staff meeting in staff room – all teachers are sitting around waiting for the head teacher to arrive)

 

Fletch              -           So what happens at these staff meeting

Grant               -           Well normally…The head comes in tells a few things…some people                                                argue…some people sit there and play on their mobile phones and some people                              just sit there and be quiet

Fetch               -           What do you do?

Grant               -           Just wind people up

(Good looking female teacher walks in staff room)

Teacher            -           Hi Grant…How was the first day back?

Grant               -           Hi Laura, wonderful as always…can’t get used to being back on British time

Teacher            -           Did you go to America again?

Grant               -           Yeah…spent 5 weeks over there coaching and then managed to get 5 days in                                 Las Vegas

Teacher            -           Wow…Vegas…would love to go there

Grant               -           Well maybe I’ll take you one day

Teacher            -           Maybe I’ll let you

Grant               -           Oh by the way this is Fletch O’Connell the new teacher in the next class to me

Teacher            -           Hi Fletch…How did your first day go?

Fletch              -           Er…er…er…

Grant               -           You’ll have to excuse him he’s been doing phonics all day

Teacher            -           Well always nice to see a new face around here…see you later

(Teacher sits down at the other end of the staff room)

Fletch              -           Who was that?  She’s a worldy!!!

Grant               -           Oh that’s Miss O’Brien…and what’s a worldy?

Fletch              -           When someone is out of this world with their looks…stunning…gorgeous!

Grant               -           I like it!!

(Head teacher walks in and begins meeting)

Ms Lamont      -           Ok everyone let’s get this meeting started…does everyone have an                                                             agenda…good…ok first things first…we need to have names for our classes                                  this year…thinking animal names… any other suggestions?

(Staff all begin discussing animals...Grant and Fletch talk)

Grant               -           Fletch whatever you do don’t look at Old Mrs Martin over in the corner chair

Fletch              -           Why

Grant               -           Because you’ll see something that you may regret

Fletch              -           I’ve got to look now

Grant               -           Well don’t say I didn’t warn you

(Fletch turns to look at Mrs Martin who is sitting there in a short skirt with her legs apart and you can see right up her skirt)

Fletch              -           Oh my god I feel sick

Grant               -           I hate it when she sits opposite…you can’t help but look

Fletch              -           Why hasn’t anyone said anything to her

Grant               -           How would you start?

Fletch              -           I don’t know but it’s so wrong

(Conversation goes back to main group)

Ms Lamont      -           So Mr Whisky what animal did you have in mind

Grant               -           Dolphins…has to be dolphins for me

Ms Lamont      -           Any objections…no…ok you’ve got Dolphins…what about you Mr O’Connell

Fletch              -           Er…er…er…er

Grant               -           There he goes with his phonics again

(Miss O’Brien laughs)

Ms Lamont      -           Well Mr O’Connell

Fletch              -           Elephants

Ms Lamont      -           Any objections…no…good…now the last one is you Mrs Martin…what animal                            would you like?

Fletch              -           If she says Beaver I’m going to crack up

Mrs Martin      -           I think I’ll have Beaver…I’ve always liked Beavers…particularly the little                                     hairy ones!!!

(Fletch and Grant try to control their laughter)

Ms Lamont      -           Do you two find something funny?

Grant               -           No Ms Lamont…just that we are a big fan of Beavers and wished we would                                 have thought of that first

Fletch              -           If anything we can’t get enough of Beavers…I have a picture of a Beaver on                                 my wall at home

Mrs Martin      -           Oh wonderful…who’s Beaver is it?

Grant               -           His mums!!!

Ms Lamont      -           Well if we could get back to the staff meeting instead of talking about different                            Beavers that would be great…now next on the agenda is well-being of                                           staff…this year I thought we would spend more time on our well-being…so at                                    the end of the meeting we will be shown peer massage techniques by a lady                              from the authority

(Meeting then continues until the end when we rejoin the meeting)

Ms Lamont      -           Ok can I introduce you to Miss Sarah Marshall, who is here today to show us                                 peer massage techniques

Miss Marshall  -           Thanks Ms Lamont…I’m going to quickly give you all a number and I want                                   you to pair up….so if you’re a number one you have to find a number two

Fletch              -           I would love to get Miss O’Brien…imagine massaging her…

Grant               -           Well you never know your luck mate

Miss Marshall  -           Ok…you’re 1…your’re 2…you’re 1…your’re 2

(Continue to give umbers out…Fletch and Grant are 1’s….Miss O’Brien and Mrs Martin a 2)

Miss Marshall  -           Right you can pair up now…

(Miss O’Brien walks straight across to Grant and pairs up…Fletch is walking around trying to find a 2…only one left is Mrs Martin who is still sitting legs apart)

 

Miss Marshall -            Ok person sit on a chair ad the other stand behind…the first things we are going                            to do is just carefully massage the shoulders

Grant               -           How is that Miss O’Brien?

Miss O’Brien   -           Very nice Grant

Grant               -           It’s not my first time

Miss O’Brien   -           I didn’t think it was

Mrs Martin      -           Mr O’Connell you need to put more pressure on…I’m not feeling anything

Fletch              -           Is that better

Mrs Martin      -           Much better… (Begin to flirt) you have a lovely soft touch…I bet your                                          wife really loves it when you give her a massage

Fletch              -           I don’t have a wife Mrs martin

Mrs Martin      -           I fiancé

Fletch              -           No…no fiancé either

Mrs Martin      -           You must have a girlfriend…I good looking lad like yourself must have a                                       girlfriend

Fletch              -           Afraid not Mrs Martin

(She puts her hand on his)

Mrs Martin      -           If I was thirty years younger I’d snap you up…especially as we both like                                        Beavers!

(They do different techniques on shoulders, head and back)

Mrs Marshall   -           Ok can we swap over and give your partner a go at massaging

Grant               -           Miss O’Brien let’s not go too fast now…nice and slow…but firm

Miss O’Brien   -           Just as you like it hey Grant

(Grant looks across to Fletch and Mrs Martin)

Mrs Martin      -           How is that for you Flecth…can I call you Fletch?

Fletch              -           (Wincing with pain)…yeah that’s great that Mrs Martin…bet your husband is                                delighted when you give him a massage

Mrs Martin      -           Oh my husband works nights so we don’t see much of each other…so if ever                                 you need a massage or help with anything just call around…here is my address

(Mrs Martin puts her address in Fletch’s top pocket!)

Ms Lamont      -           Right everyone that’s all we have time for today but Miss Marshall has said she                             will come back later on in the year…so if you could put the chairs back and                                   then go if you wish

(Fetch walks over to Grant)

Fletch              -           You set that up

Grant               -           How…how could I have set it up

Fletch              -           I don’t know but you did and I’ll get you back!

Grant               -           You’re so tense…why don’t you get Mrs Martin to give you another massage…

(Mrs Martin starts to walk over to Fletch)

Fletch              -           Right I’m off to get my bag

(All the staff begin to leave staff room)

 

Scene Eight

(Grant is signing out at the office waiting for Fletch to come)

Grant               -           You can’t be mad at me for the staff meeting

Fletch              -           Not mad just didn’t want to end up with Beaver lady…and I did!

Grant               -           Well next tie will be different

Fletch              -           How do you know?

Grant               -           Because I won’t fix it!

Fletch              -           I knew you had something to do with it…I’ll get you back

Grant               -           Look forward to that…where you off to now

Fletch              -           Home…got loads of work to do for tomorrow

Grant               -           Well let me give you a life at least…just to say sorry for the wind up

Fletch              -           Alright…but I’m still getting you back

Grant               -           I’m sure you will

 

(They both walk outside to the car park)

Fletch              -           Please tell me that car isn’t yours

Grant               -           Which one?

Fletch              -           The BMW convertible

Grant               -           As if…no that’s Beaver Lady’s car

Fletch              -           No way

Grant               -           Her parents passed away and left her loads of money…

Fletch              -           Nice car

Grant               -           I’m sure she’ll give you a lift home…her she is now

Fletch              -           Don’t you dare

Grant               -           Mrs Martin…

Fletch              -           Don’t…

Mrs Martin      -           Yes Mr Whisky

Grant               -           Which way do you go home?

Mrs Martin      -           Through Maghull towards Formby…why

Grant               -           Oh it was just Fletch needs a lift

Mrs Martin      -           (Flirts) Well I don’t mind taking him

Fletch              -           Oh it’s ok Mrs Martin…we are going the pub on the way home as Grant’s                                      buying me a drink…

Mrs Martin      -           Well anytime you are stuck give me a shout…You could come to the house to                               have a look at my Beaver…she’d be very pleased to see you…you’ve got my                                 details

Grant               -           Be nice that you looking at her Beaver

Fletch              -           Shut Up…open the car…Thanks Mrs Beaver…I mean Mrs Martin

Grant               -           What’s up now?

Fletch              -           You know what’s up

Grant               -           You are so touchy

 

(They both get I the car a drive off)