The
Mentor
By
Darren Partington
A
situation Comedy based in a Primary School
6
Episodes
Episode
One – The New Teacher
Episode
Two – Students
Episode
Three – The Date
Episode
Four – Night Out
Episode
Five – School Trip
Episode
Six – Sports Day
Characters
Fletch
O’Connell - Early 20’s NQT at local
Primary school…looking to move out of his parents house…thinks he is great at
everything but in reality isn’t…keeps messing things up…tries to chat ladies up
with cheap lines…
Grant
Whiskey- Mid 30’s…been teaching
about 10 years in same primary school as Fletch…travelled all over the
world…always has a story…smooth operator…lives alone but looking for a
lodger…likes to wind Fletch up with practical jokes…
Mrs
Jones – 50’s…Office worker / Secretary…battle axe…tries
to run the school…nice to everyone in front of them…moans about job and
workload…flirts with men..sex starved by husband
Ms
Lamont – Head Teacher…40’s…hopeless at making decisions…no
people skills…dizzy…forgetful…
Mr
Woods – Site Manager…lazy but thinks he does a
lot…battles with office staff about work…has place to hide so no one can find
him…
Mrs
Crawler – Parent Helper…thinks she is important…tries to be
friends with head…knows it all and has done it all…
Miss
Lauren Grace – Student that comes into the school
who dates Fletch and begins a relationship
Secondary
Characters
Teachers – Miss O’Brien (Young gorgeous), Mrs Martin
(Old Lady)
Students – Tom Jones, Cheryl Cole, Victoria Wood,
Jessica Jay
Pupils
Cleaners
Episode
One:
The
New Teacher
Story
Episode
One – The New Teacher
It’s a new term at school and Grant arrives as early
as normal and is just getting a drink in the staff room when his name is called
out over the loud speaker system. He
heads down to the head teacher’s office and is greeted with the usual, painful
face of the head teacher. She informs
him that part of his role this year is to mentor a student. He agrees thinking that it is a way to meet
new girls. The head teacher informs him
that he will be mentoring a man, for a whole year, who is new to the school. Grant looks a little disappointed. Ms Lamont, the head teacher, announces that
Mr O’Connell, Fletch, will be arriving in school at 8:15am to meet Grant and
talk through his new class. Grant waits
in the office were Mrs Jones is already moaning about how many staff are off
already and it’s only the first day of school.
She comes up with a couple of reasons why some of the staff are absent;
House in France, delay at airport and birthday (certain staff stay off when it
is their birthday). Grant is in the office
when a young twenty something arrives at the office window asking for Mr
Whiskey (Grant). Mrs Jones is her usual
smiling self to any young man that approaches the desk and begins to flirt with
Fletch, who looks very uncomfortable.
Grant rescues him and they both begin to walk to Grant’s classroom. They are both teaching in year four next to
each other, with a sliding door in between their rooms. Fletch begins to tell Grant a bit of
background about himself. He still lives
with his parents in a middle class area.
He studied at a local university and has never lived away from home. He has just come out of a relationship with a
girl from university who moved back home.
He is not looking for a relationship, as he wants to concentrate on his
first year of teaching. Grant begins to
tell him about his life so far. He has
worked in the school for seven years, spent a bit of time living abroad in USA. He has been to a few places over the world
and has a few stories to tell and looks for opportunities to tell them. They are interrupted by the head teacher, who
is pleased that they are getting on. She
tells them that they need to let their classes in and that there will be a
staff meeting at the end of the day. The
children come in and the morning goes fast.
The children are introduced to their new teacher, Mr O’Connell. The parents like him and one or two of the
mums have an instant lust for the new teacher.
Grant laughs it up and begins to talk to the two mums, explaining that
Mr O’Connell is available but very shy and they might have to coax him out of
his shell. Lunch time arrives and Grant
and Fletch head up to the staff room for lunch.
Fletch is introduced to some of the staff and immediately Grant begins
to play a game called ‘Get to know Fletch’…The staff ask Fletch a range of
questions and he has to answer them.
Lunch time finishes with Fletch promising he will get Grant back for the
embarrassment at lunch. At the end of
the day Grant and Fletch are seeing their children out of the classrooms, when
the two mums who like Fletch approach him and begin to flirt. Fletch immediately goes red and then begins
to tell the mums that Grant finds them both attractive and that he would like
to take one of them out for a drink.
They walk over to Grant and put their phone number in his top pocket and
smile. Fletch laughs, knowing he has got
his own back on Grant. They both head
for the staff meeting. Ms Lamont is at
the front and talks about the staff meeting being all about well being. During the staff meeting they look at
different well being activities and finish off by giving each other
massages! Fletch is stuck with the
oldest teacher, while Grant has managed to massage the young beautiful teacher. They leave the meeting and Fletch goes off to
look at the house / apartment he is trying to rent. Grant heads home.
Scene
Breakdown
Scene
One
- It’s a new term at school and Grant arrives as early as normal and is just
getting a drink in the staff room when his name is called out over the loud
speaker system. He heads down to the
head teacher’s office and is greeted with the usual, painful face of the head
teacher. She informs him that part of
his role this year is to mentor a NQT.
He agrees thinking that it is a way to meet new girls. The head teacher informs him that he will be
mentoring a man, for a whole year, which is new to the school. Grant looks a little disappointed. Ms Lamont, the head teacher, announces that
Mr O’Connell, Fletch, will be arriving in school at 8:15am to meet Grant and
talk through his new class
Scene
Two
- Grant waits in the office were Mrs Jones is already moaning about how many
staff are off already and it’s only the first day of school. She comes up with a couple of reasons why
some of the staff are absent; House in France, delay at airport and birthday
(certain staff stay off when it is their birthday). Grant is in the office when a young twenty
something arrives at the office window asking for Mr Whiskey (Grant). Mrs Jones is her usual smiling self to any
young man that approaches the desk and begins to flirt with Fletch, who looks
very uncomfortable. Grant rescues him
and they both begin to walk to Grant’s classroom.
Scene
Three - They are both teaching in year four next to each
other, with a sliding door in between their rooms. Fletch begins to tell Grant a bit of
background about himself. He still lives
with his parents in a middle class area.
He studied at a local university and has never lived away from
home. He has just come out of a
relationship with a girl from university who moved back home. He is not looking for a relationship, as he
wants to concentrate on his first year of teaching. Grant begins to tell him about his life so
far. He has worked in the school for
seven years, spent a bit of time living abroad in USA. He has been to a few places over the world
and has a few stories to tell and looks for opportunities to tell them. They are interrupted by the head teacher, who
is pleased that they are getting on. She
tells them that they need to let their classes in and that there will be a
staff meeting at the end of the day.
Scene
Four
- The children come in and the morning goes fast. The children are introduced to their new
teacher, Mr O’Connell. The parents like
him and one or two of the mums have an instant lust for the new teacher. Grant laughs it up and begins to talk to the
two mums, explaining that Mr O’Connell is available but very shy and they might
have to coax him out of his shell.
Scene
Five
- Lunch time arrives and Grant and Fletch head up to the staff room for
lunch. Fletch is introduced to some of
the staff and immediately Grant begins to play a game called ‘Get to know
Fletch’…The staff ask Fletch a range of questions and he has to answer
them. Lunch time finishes with Fletch
promising he will get Grant back for the embarrassment at lunch.
Scene
Six
- At the end of the day Grant and Fletch are seeing their children out of the
classrooms, when the two mums who like Fletch approach him and begin to
flirt. Fletch immediately goes red and
then begins to tell the mums that Grant finds them both attractive and that he
would like to take one of them out for a drink.
They walk over to Grant and put their phone number in his top pocket and
smile. Fletch laughs, knowing he has got
his own back on Grant. They both head
for the staff meeting.
Scene
Seven - Ms Lamont is at the front and talks about the
staff meeting being all about well being.
During the staff meeting they look at different well being activities
and finish off by giving each other massages!
Fletch is stuck with the oldest teacher, while Grant has managed to
massage the young beautiful teacher.
Scene
Eight - They leave the meeting and Fletch goes off to
look at the house / apartment he is trying to rent. Grant heads home.
Scene
One
Grant - Morning Mrs Jones...good weekend?
Mrs Jones - Morning love…had a terrible
weekend…his backs gone again which meant I didn’t get any…at this rate I might
have to take a trip down to Ann Summers
Grant - Your husband seems to have a bad back
a lot…should get it checked out
Mrs Jones - I know but it comes and goes…he’s ok
when he’s watching the football, fixing the car and decorating but the
minute I want a bit of sex it seems to go again
Grant - Strange that isn’t it
Mrs Jones - That’s what I said…so at the moment
I’m satisfying myself
Grant - What do you mean?
Mrs Jones - I’ve got a rabbit
Grant - How will that help…Oh I don’t even
want to know
Mrs Jones - Not a pet rabbit…a rabbit from a
special kind of shop
Grant - Oh I see…you mean a rampant rabbit
from a sex shop
Mrs Jones - Yeah…Oh it’s great…especially on full
charge
Grant - What are you charging it with?
Mrs Jones - A car battery
Grant - Don’t be phoning the AA to come and
help you out
Mrs Jones - Might be a good idea…they say they’ll
send a man round within 15 mins
Grant - Right well I’ll see you later
Mrs Jones - Ok love
(Grant walks past
office to be met by Head Teacher Ms Lamont)
Ms Lamont - Mr Whisky is that you?
Grant - Yes Ms Lamont it’s me
Ms Lamont - Oh good can you come in here?
Grant - Of course Ms Lamont…How can I help
you?
Ms Lamont - Do you remember that half day course
I sent you on?
Grant - Which one? The one about APP or mentoring
Ms Lamont - APP?
Grant - Yes APP
Ms Lamont - Why did I send you on a course about
APP?
Grant - I don’t know…I think you said
something about a TLR
Ms Lamont - TLR?
Grant - Teaching and Learning Responsibility
Ms Lamont - Oh right…What about PPA?
Grant - PPA?
Don’t you mean APP?
Ms Lamont - What’s APP?
Grant - Assessing Pupil Progress
Ms Lamont - What’s PPA?
Grant - Preparation, Planning and Assessment
Shouldn’t
you know what all these acronyms are?
Ms Lamont - Yes and shouldn’t you be in your
class
Grant - But you called me in here
Ms Lamont - What for?
Grant - IDK
Ms Lamont - What’s IDK?
Grant - I don’t know
Ms Lamont - Well why say it then
Grant - Say what?
Ms Lamont - IDK
Grant - I don’t know
Ms Lamont - Oh yes I remember why I called you
in…I’ve got a job for you to do with mentoring an NQT teacher new to our
school
Grant - Brilliant…who is she?
Ms Lamont - She…is a he
Grant - Another man in the school
Ms Lamont - Yes another man in the school
Grant - But wouldn’t we be better with a nice
lady
Ms Lamont - This isn’t a dating agency Mr Whisky…you’re
here to teach not chat up women
Grant - But I can do both
Ms Lamont - One would be nice...
Grant - Will I get a girl student to
compensate for mentoring a man all year?
Ms Lamont - Mr Whisky I’m not going to make a
deal with you
Grant - Oh go on
Ms Lamont - I’m not making any promises
Grant - That’s do for me…by the way what’s
this guys name?
Ms Lamont - Mr O’Connell
Grant - Great
Ms Lamont - Right he should be at the office at
8:15am…I expect you to meet him
and take him to his class next to yours…I’ll see you
both at the end of the day in the staff meeting
Grant - Right
then I best get a move on
(Grant leaves the office and head to classroom to
put bag etc away)
Scene
Two
(Phone Rings)
Mrs Jones - (Posh voice) Hello, Aston Primary
School, How can I help you?
(Normal
voice) what again? What’s up with you this
time? That’s the fourth death in the family this term…three have been you Nan!
So
you won’t be coming in…when are you back?…tomorrow? We’ll look forward
to that!
(Mrs Jones writes down teacher’s name on absent
board and reason)
(Enter Mr Whisky)
Grant - Everything ok Mrs Jones?
Mrs Jones - She’s off again
Grant - Who?
Mrs Jones - Mrs Paddle
Grant - Again…does she think its flexi time?
What is her excuse this time?
Mrs Jones - Another death in the family
Grant - How many is that this term?
Mrs Jones - Four…
Grant - Four! What does her husband do for a
living?
Mrs Jones - Funeral Director!
(Phone Rings)
Mrs Jones - (Posh voice) Good Morning, Villa
Primary School…How can I help you?
(Normal
Voice) Well what’s up with you? Oh I
see…and what has the doctor said? Oh I see…And you can’t sit down for how
long? Oh I see…What about if we get a
cushion? Oh I see…well see you next
week…
(Mrs Jones walks to the absent board to put up next
teacher)
Grant - Who was that?
Mrs Jones - Miss Boyle
Grant - What’s up with her?
Mrs Jones - I can’t really say…confidentiality
and all that
Grant - But you told me about Mrs Paddle
Mrs Jones - I don’t like Mrs Paddle
Grant - Fair enough
(Mr Fletch O’Connell arrives at the desk)
Mrs Jones - (Flirting) Hi, can I help you?
Fletch - I hope you can
Mrs Jones - I hope I can
Fletch - I’m the new teacher and I’ve been
advised to call in to the office before I go to my
class
Mrs Jones - You were advised right…
Fletch - So what do I need to do?
Mrs Jones - Wait there a minute
(Mrs Jones head off to get a camera)
Mrs Jones - Right just look straight into the
camera….great and now to the side…wonderful and now face the other way…(takes
shot of bum)…perfect!
Fletch - Are you sure this is right? Why take so many?
Mrs Jones - Face shot for your i.d. card…side
shot for the wall and the bum shot for me!!!
Fletch - Oh right…er…er…I just need to see a
Mr Whisky
Mrs Jones - You’re in luck…he’s in the
photocopier room…I’ll just get him…
Grant - Hi mate…you must be Mr O’Connell
Fletch - Yeah…good to meet you…is she always
like that?
Grant - Only with the men…
Fletch - Don’t people complain?
Grant - Only if you don’t want things getting
done for you…
Fletch - What do you mean?
Grant - If you complain…no photocopying…no
messages taken…no letters written…If you don’t complain all gets done
without any fuss!!!
Fletch - Really…you let her flirt with you and
things get done…
Grant - Welcome to teaching!
Fletch - So where is my classroom?
Grant - Right next to mine…you’ll be in the
same year as me
Fletch - Great!
(Both walk off towards classrooms)
Scene
Three
(Enter Grant and Fletch)
Grant - So this is your classroom…this door
slides across so we can have one big classroom and do some team teaching…(Shows
doors opening) Door slides open…one
classroom…door slides shut…two classroom…am I going to fast…
Fletch - No…I think I’ve got it…
(Sarcastically) door open two classrooms…door closed one classroom…
Grant - You taking the piss
Fletch - I think I can work the door
Grant - Here you go then…prove it smart
arse!!!
(Fletch has a go at the sliding door and it doesn’t
work)
Grant - See much harder than it looks
Fletch - Ok...I’ll get it sorted…it’s just a
bit stiff
Grant - What about the door?
Fletch - I meant the door
Grant - Just checking!!
Fletch - How long have you been here then?
Grant - About 7 years now…worked in anther
school for two years then headed off to coach soccer…sorry football in USA
for a couple of months then ended up doing
supply here…stayed ever since...what about you?
Fletch - Straight from University up the
road…did a bit of supply while trying to get a job…this will be my first full year
of teaching…
Grant - Great...where you living?
Fletch - Living with my mum and dad but
looking at moving out…was meant to be getting a place with my girlfriend
but didn’t happen
Grant - Why what happened? Did she realise you weren’t good enough…was
it your hair…tight trousers or general
sarcasm that did it?
Fletch - None of them
Grant - I’m surprised?
Fletch - We decided to have a bit of space for
a while…she wanted more space than me
Grant - How much space?
Fletch - 150 miles…she moved back to
Birmingham!
Grant - That’s a lot of space…
Fletch - What about you? Do you live local? Wife and Kids?
Grant - Live about 25 minutes away…not too
far..no don’t have a wife…
Fletch - Oh right you are one of them
Grant - One of what?
Fletch - It’s alright…I don’t care..I won’t
say anything…
Grant - There’s nothing to say…I just haven’t
met the right person
Fletch - Noticed you said person and not
girl…interesting!
Grant - I’m not gay!
Fletch - Have any kids?
Grant - No…
Fletch - Interesting…you’re 36…no wife and no
kids…presume you live alone…and you say you’re not gay…
Grant - I’m not gay…
Fletch - Course you’re not…one simple rule
Grant - What’s that?
Fletch - Favourite film?
Grant - Favourite film…what’s that got to do
with it?
Fetch - Mine is Goodfellars…heterosexual!
Grant - That’s ridiculus…You can’t judge a
person by their favourite film
Fetch - What’s yours then?
Grant - This is stupid…
Fletch - Just tell me
Grant - I’m off…
Fletch - Without telling me
(As Grant leaves Ms Lamont Enters)
Ms Lamont - Glad you are both here saves me
telling you separately…there is a staff meeting tonight
in the staffroom…starts at 3:45 and will last an hour…
Grant - What is it on?
Ms Lamont - Uniforms
Grant - For who?
Ms Lamont - The children and staff!
Grant - Staff…why do we need a uniform?
Ms Lamont - I visited another school last July
and they all looked smart in uniform so I would like to introduce one here…all
comments would be welcome in the staff meeting…see you later
(Ms Lamont leaves)
Fletch - A uniform...
Grant - Just another one of her ‘wonderful’
ideas…It will never work and she’ll forget it in about a month!
Fletch - She seems nice…she did say all
comments would be welcome…
Grant - Lesson one Fetch…when Ms Lamont says
‘all comments would be welcome’ she really means…all comments
welcome if you agree with me…
Fletch - Didn’t realise
Grant - They don’t teach you that at
University…stick with me and I’ll make sure you learn
about teaching!
Fletch - Cheers Grant…
Grant - I’ll see you later
Fletch - Yeah catch you later…
(Grant begins to leave)
Fletch - Just before you go Grant…you didn’t
answer the question
Grant - What question?
Fletch - To see if you’re gay or not
Grant - I’m not answering it…
Fletch - If you’ve nothing to hide just tell
me…
(Grant walks out door and then pops head around
corner)
Grant - Hairspray!
Fletch - (Laughing) Brilliant!
Scene
Four
(Standing outside their classrooms welcoming the
children in to class)
Grant - Morning children…Morning Mrs
Hughes…how’s your mum?
Mrs Hughes - She’s getting better
Grant - Glad to hear it…morning Mr Almond…did
you play at the weekend?
Mr Almond - No…game got called off because the
other team couldn’t get enough players
Grant - Shame…
Fletch - How do you know all the parents?
Grant - I don’t know all of them...most but
not all
Fletch - You seem to know a lot about their
personal lives
Grant - It is part of the job to get to know
your parents…trust me I you get on with your parents and show interest in them
you won’t have any issues with their children…
Fletch - Really
Grant - Watch and learn son…watch and learn
Fletch - I’m watching Grant…I’m watching
Grant - Do you see her over there?
Fletch - Which one?
Grant - The one that looks like she is on a
night out
Fletch - Yeah…she looks alright
Grant - Looks are great…husband a muscle head
drug dealer…she loves a good flirt…be careful with her…keep her
on your side…watch this
Morning
Mrs Coleman…
Mrs Coleman - Morning Mr Whisky
Grant - How are we this fine morning?
Mrs Coleman - Great Mr Whisky…and you?
Grant - Can’t complain…you just come in from
a night out…
Mrs Coleman - Cheeky…why are you saying that?
Grant - Usually we only see mums in pyjamas…
Mrs Coleman - I’ll never wear pyjamas to come to
school
Grant - Shame…bet you look great in yours! Ha
ha
Mrs Coleman - Mr Whisky you’re terrible…I’m off
Grant - See you later Mrs Coleman
Fletch - How do you get away with it?
Grant - It’s about knowing your parents…her
kid is a little shit for everyone else here but great for me because I chat to
his mum…I had a problem with him once…spoke to mum…never again!!!
Fletch - That’s unreal…
Grant - They don’t teach you that at
university...oh dear look out
Fletch - What?
Grant - Don’t make eye contact with these
two…they’ll come over and be here for hours
Fetch - Which two?
Grant - Too late…they’re on there way
Morning
ladies
Paula - Morning Mr Whisky
Claire - Morning Mr Whisky…and who do we have
here?
Fletch - I’m Mr O’Connell…the new year four
teacher
Claire - Oh you’ve got my daughter in your
class
Fletch - Oh great…what’s her name?
Claire - Mercedes…
Paula - I bet all the girls will love you…
Fletch - Oh why?
Paula - Well you are young…good looking and
wear tight pants!
Claire - Paula you can’t say that…he’s a
teacher
Paula - Oh behave Claire…I’m only messing!! (Mimes
I’m not – Fletch looks scared)
Fletch - Right then best get back inside to
the class…
(Fletch leaves to go back to class)
Claire - Mr Whisky he’s a fitty…
Paula - Is he single?
Grant - Do you know what ladies I think he
is…and he was just saying how he’d like to meet some nice ladies…you two
certainly fit the bill…
Paula - I’m going home to get a bath and do
my hair
Claire - I’m going too…can’t wait for the end
of school
Grant - Now ladies be very careful with
him…he’s quite shy and may need you to coax him out of his shell…
Paula - I’ll coax him out alright…I’m booking
6 minutes at Tanarama
Claire - They’ve got a special on at Tantastic…£1
for four minutes…let’s go!
(Miss Ford and Miss Benz leave quickly)
Mr Whisky - Bye Miss Ford…Bye Miss Benz
Brilliant…nice
little wind up for good old Fletch!!!
(Grant leaves to go back to class)
Scene
Five
Grant - You ready to go for lunch?
Fletch - Yeah just wait there I’ll get my
lunch box
Grant - Your lunch box
Fletch - Yeah…my mum made it for me this
morning
Grant - I’ve got to see this
(Fletch gets out an old muppets lunch box…with
accompanying flask)
Grant - What’s that?
Fletch - It’s my lunch box
Grant - I can see that…when was the last time
you used it?
Fletch - When I was in primary school
Grant - I can’t wait to see you in the staff
room with that lunch box
(Grant walks off first followed by Fletch who looks
confused – they see the site manager)
Grant - Mr Woods…come and look at this
Fletch - What are you doing?
Grant - Look at his lunch box
Mr Woods - Oh that’s brilliant…where did you get
that…my grandson would love one like that…he is a huge muppets fan
Fletch - I got it in woolworths…
Grant - When?
Fletch - Well it as my cousins before I got
it…it was passed down the family
Grant - When did he get it?
Fletch - 1987…
Mr Woods - Do they still make them? Do you mind if I look inside?
Fletch - No go on
Mr Woods - Wow…I can’t believe it has an
accompanying flask!!!!
Fletch - Well that was the fashion back in
those days…none of you drink bottles back then apparently…I mean I wouldn’t
know…we need someone a bit older to tell us…Grant
what was it like?
Grant - Hey…less of your old!!!
Fletch - What was it like to drink out of the
flask?
Grant - Put it this way I thought Orange
juice tasted plastic until we got glasses!
Mr Woods - Can I take a picture of it? I’m going to find one on ebay
Fletch - Yeah of course
(Fletch holds up lunch box and Mr Woods uses his
phone to take picture – He takes quite a few!!!)
Grant - Are we going for lunch or not!!!!
(They both walk to the staff room)
(Enter full staff room and only two seats left on
the small tall table)
Grant - Morning everyone…or should I say
afternoon…
(Staff mumble good morning back)
Fletch - Where are we sitting Grant?
Grant - We’ll take the two chairs over there
(They both sit down and Fletch put his lunch box on
the table)
Teacher 1 - What’s that?
Grant - His mum packed his lunch this morning
and put it in his favourite lunch box
Teacher 1 - That’s nice…
Fletch - It’s not my favourite one
Grant - Is it not…well what is?
Fletch - I don’t want to say
Grant - Why not?
Fletch - Because what ever I say you’ll turn
it round and make a joke
Grant - I won’t
(Grant whispers to teacher next to him who asks a
question)
Teacher 2 - So what is your favourite lunch box?
Fletch - Have you told him to ask?
Grant - What are you on about…I’m just eating
my lunch
Fletch - Well if you must know my favourite
lunch box is The Fresh Prince of Be Air!
Grant - Great show!
Fletch - Great song…great cast…
Teacher 1 - So Fletch tell us a bit about
yourself…
Fletch - (Stands up and performs the following
rap in the style of Fresh Prince of Bel Air)
New Teacher from Maghull
Now this is a story all
about how
My life got flipped
turned upside down
And I’d like to take a
minute while your stomachs are full
I’ll tell you how I
became the new teacher from Maghull
In Edge Hill
University I worked hard
Kept my head
down and got my teaching card
Assignments,
course work, and teaching practice
Three years down
and the forth the fastest
Graduate in June
and went on Supply
This job came up
so I gave it a try
I got the job in
the middle of July
Put the phone
down so happy I could cry
I bought a new
suit not forgetting a new shirt
I’ll blow you a
kiss as I begin to flirt
This guy over
here is yesterday’s news (Stands and points by Grant)
They’re all
looking at me so guess what you lose
I’ll have an
opinion and I’ll try to be nice
Sometimes you’ll
have to tell me more than twice
I’ll need your
support and that’s no bull
For this is the
guy from far end of Maghull
(As finished rap all high five Fletch around staff
room)
Grant - Fair play Fletch…welcome to the
school!!!!
Scene
Six
(End of the school day and Grant and Fletch are
seeing the children out for home time)
Grant - Children wait here until you can see
who ever is picking you up
Fletch - Children make sure you have you
reading books and then stand behind your chairs waiting for you name to be
called
Grant - John…off you go here is your nan
Fletch - Mary…off you go here is your mum
Grant - Thomas…off you go here is your mum
Fletch - Colin…off you go here is your uncle
Grant - Hey Fletch here come the lovely mums
you met this morning…
Fletch - You’re having a laugh…
Grant - Looks like they’ve been to Tanarama
or Tantastic…
Fletch - They were both white this morning…they
look like Beyonce!
Grant - Watch this
Fetch - Don’t shout them over
Grant - Hey ladies…look a bit different fro
this morning
(Both mums walk across the playground – Cat walk)
Mum 1 - Do you think so Mr Whisky?
Mum 2 - We haven’t really done that much
Grant - Mr O’Connell was just saying that you
both looked like Beyonce
Fletch - What?
Mum 1 - Did he now…well if you like it you
should put a ring on it!!
(Both girls laugh)
Grant - Ladies I’ll leave you a minute with
Mr O’Connell while I check the classroom
(Grant leaves)
Mum 2 - So now it’s just the three of us…I
bet that’s your favourite number!!
Fletch - Look ladies to be honest I shouldn’t
really say this but it’s Mr Whisky who finds you both attractive and he is
just saying me so you come over
Mum 1 - Is it now
Mum 2 - That would explain why he is always
calling us over
Fletch - Ladies I’m telling you…It’s all he
talks about in the staff room…when he comes back why don’t you slip him
you numbers…
Mum 1 - Great idea…have you got a piece of
paper and a pen
Fletch - Just so happens I do
Mum 1 - What number are you putting down
Kerry?
Mum 2 - I’m putting my mobile…you know the
one that’s pay as you go
Fletch - Now I’ll call him back…Mr Whisky the
ladies are heading off now but want to say bye
(Grant comes back out)
Grant - So have you three had a nice little
chat…
Mum 1 - Oh yes we had a lovely chat
Mum 2 - And Mr O’Connell told us a few things
Grant - Did he now…
Fletch - Yes I did actually…the ladies and I
have a good understanding now
Grant - Oh I am pleased
Mum 1 - We’re pleased you are pleased Mr
Whisky
(Puts phone number in Grant’s top pocket)
Mum 2 - Yeah we’re always happy when you are
pleased
(Puts phone number in Grant’s top pocket)
(Grant looks confused as the two ladies walk off)
Grant - What was all that about?
Fletch - Looks like you have two admirers
Grant….ha ha
(Fletch walks back into class laughing followed y
Grant who is shaking his head)
Scene
Seven
(Staff meeting in staff room – all teachers are
sitting around waiting for the head teacher to arrive)
Fletch - So what happens at these staff
meeting
Grant - Well normally…The head comes in tells
a few things…some people argue…some people sit there and play
on their mobile phones and some people just
sit there and be quiet
Fetch - What do you do?
Grant - Just wind people up
(Good looking female teacher walks in staff room)
Teacher - Hi Grant…How was the first day back?
Grant - Hi Laura, wonderful as always…can’t
get used to being back on British time
Teacher - Did you go to America again?
Grant - Yeah…spent 5 weeks over there
coaching and then managed to get 5 days in Las Vegas
Teacher - Wow…Vegas…would love to go there
Grant - Well maybe I’ll take you one day
Teacher - Maybe I’ll let you
Grant - Oh by the way this is Fletch
O’Connell the new teacher in the next class to me
Teacher - Hi Fletch…How did your first day go?
Fletch - Er…er…er…
Grant - You’ll have to excuse him he’s been
doing phonics all day
Teacher - Well always nice to see a new face
around here…see you later
(Teacher sits down at the other end of the staff
room)
Fletch - Who was that? She’s a worldy!!!
Grant - Oh that’s Miss O’Brien…and what’s a
worldy?
Fletch - When someone is out of this world
with their looks…stunning…gorgeous!
Grant - I like it!!
(Head teacher walks in and begins meeting)
Ms Lamont - Ok everyone let’s get this meeting
started…does everyone have an agenda…good…ok first
things first…we need to have names for our classes this year…thinking animal names… any
other suggestions?
(Staff all begin discussing animals...Grant and
Fletch talk)
Grant - Fletch whatever you do don’t look at Old
Mrs Martin over in the corner chair
Fletch - Why
Grant - Because you’ll see something that you
may regret
Fletch - I’ve got to look now
Grant - Well don’t say I didn’t warn you
(Fletch turns to look at Mrs Martin who is sitting
there in a short skirt with her legs apart and you can see right up her skirt)
Fletch - Oh my god I feel sick
Grant - I hate it when she sits opposite…you
can’t help but look
Fletch - Why hasn’t anyone said anything to
her
Grant - How would you start?
Fletch - I don’t know but it’s so wrong
(Conversation goes back to main group)
Ms Lamont - So Mr Whisky what animal did you have
in mind
Grant - Dolphins…has to be dolphins for me
Ms Lamont - Any objections…no…ok you’ve got
Dolphins…what about you Mr O’Connell
Fletch - Er…er…er…er
Grant - There he goes with his phonics again
(Miss O’Brien laughs)
Ms Lamont - Well Mr O’Connell
Fletch - Elephants
Ms Lamont - Any objections…no…good…now the last
one is you Mrs Martin…what animal would you like?
Fletch - If she says Beaver I’m going to crack
up
Mrs Martin - I think I’ll have Beaver…I’ve always
liked Beavers…particularly the little hairy ones!!!
(Fletch and Grant try to control their laughter)
Ms Lamont - Do you two find something funny?
Grant - No Ms Lamont…just that we are a big
fan of Beavers and wished we would have thought of that first
Fletch - If anything we can’t get enough of
Beavers…I have a picture of a Beaver on my wall at home
Mrs Martin - Oh wonderful…who’s Beaver is it?
Grant - His mums!!!
Ms Lamont - Well if we could get back to the staff
meeting instead of talking about different Beavers that would be great…now next
on the agenda is well-being of staff…this
year I thought we would spend more time on our well-being…so at the end of
the meeting we will be shown peer massage techniques by a lady from the authority
(Meeting then continues until the end when we rejoin
the meeting)
Ms Lamont - Ok can I introduce you to Miss Sarah
Marshall, who is here today to show us peer massage techniques
Miss Marshall - Thanks Ms Lamont…I’m going to quickly
give you all a number and I want you to pair up….so if you’re a
number one you have to find a number two
Fletch - I would love to get Miss
O’Brien…imagine massaging her…
Grant - Well you never know your luck mate
Miss Marshall - Ok…you’re 1…your’re 2…you’re
1…your’re 2
(Continue to give umbers out…Fletch and Grant are
1’s….Miss O’Brien and Mrs Martin a 2)
Miss Marshall - Right you can pair up now…
(Miss O’Brien walks straight across to Grant and
pairs up…Fletch is walking around trying to find a 2…only one left is Mrs
Martin who is still sitting legs apart)
Miss Marshall - Ok
person sit on a chair ad the other stand behind…the first things we are going to
do is just carefully massage the shoulders
Grant - How is that Miss O’Brien?
Miss O’Brien - Very nice Grant
Grant - It’s not my first time
Miss O’Brien - I didn’t think it was
Mrs Martin - Mr O’Connell you need to put more
pressure on…I’m not feeling anything
Fletch - Is that better
Mrs Martin - Much better… (Begin to flirt) you
have a lovely soft touch…I bet your wife really loves it when you give
her a massage
Fletch - I don’t have a wife Mrs martin
Mrs Martin - I fiancé
Fletch - No…no fiancé either
Mrs Martin - You must have a girlfriend…I good
looking lad like yourself must have a girlfriend
Fletch - Afraid not Mrs Martin
(She puts her hand on his)
Mrs Martin - If I was thirty years younger I’d
snap you up…especially as we both like Beavers!
(They do different techniques on shoulders, head and
back)
Mrs Marshall - Ok can we swap over and give your
partner a go at massaging
Grant - Miss O’Brien let’s not go too fast
now…nice and slow…but firm
Miss O’Brien - Just as you like it hey Grant
(Grant looks across to Fletch and Mrs Martin)
Mrs Martin - How is that for you Flecth…can I call
you Fletch?
Fletch - (Wincing with pain)…yeah that’s great
that Mrs Martin…bet your husband is delighted when you give him a
massage
Mrs Martin - Oh my husband works nights so we
don’t see much of each other…so if ever you need a massage or help with
anything just call around…here is my address
(Mrs Martin puts her address in Fletch’s top
pocket!)
Ms Lamont - Right everyone that’s all we have time
for today but Miss Marshall has said she will come back later on in the year…so
if you could put the chairs back and then
go if you wish
(Fetch walks over to Grant)
Fletch - You set that up
Grant - How…how could I have set it up
Fletch - I don’t know but you did and I’ll get
you back!
Grant - You’re so tense…why don’t you get Mrs
Martin to give you another massage…
(Mrs Martin starts to walk over to Fletch)
Fletch - Right I’m off to get my bag
(All the staff begin to leave staff room)
Scene
Eight
(Grant is signing out at the office waiting for
Fletch to come)
Grant - You can’t be mad at me for the staff
meeting
Fletch - Not mad just didn’t want to end up
with Beaver lady…and I did!
Grant - Well next tie will be different
Fletch - How do you know?
Grant - Because I won’t fix it!
Fletch - I knew you had something to do with
it…I’ll get you back
Grant - Look forward to that…where you off to
now
Fletch - Home…got loads of work to do for
tomorrow
Grant - Well let me give you a life at least…just
to say sorry for the wind up
Fletch - Alright…but I’m still getting you
back
Grant - I’m sure you will
(They both walk outside to the car park)
Fletch - Please tell me that car isn’t yours
Grant - Which one?
Fletch - The BMW convertible
Grant - As if…no that’s Beaver Lady’s car
Fletch - No way
Grant - Her parents passed away and left her
loads of money…
Fletch - Nice car
Grant - I’m sure she’ll give you a lift
home…her she is now
Fletch - Don’t you dare
Grant - Mrs Martin…
Fletch - Don’t…
Mrs Martin - Yes Mr Whisky
Grant - Which way do you go home?
Mrs Martin - Through Maghull towards Formby…why
Grant - Oh it was just Fletch needs a lift
Mrs Martin - (Flirts) Well I don’t mind taking him
Fletch - Oh it’s ok Mrs Martin…we are going the
pub on the way home as Grant’s buying me a drink…
Mrs Martin - Well anytime you are stuck give me a
shout…You could come to the house to have a look at my Beaver…she’d be
very pleased to see you…you’ve got my details
Grant - Be nice that you looking at her
Beaver
Fletch - Shut Up…open the car…Thanks Mrs
Beaver…I mean Mrs Martin
Grant - What’s up now?
Fletch - You know what’s up
Grant - You are so touchy
(They both get I the car a drive off)
